


I love you so much

by Randstrom



Series: Graduation Stories [1]
Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel)
Genre: College, Depression, F/M, Graduation, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-18
Updated: 2019-07-18
Packaged: 2020-06-30 11:18:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19852054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Randstrom/pseuds/Randstrom
Summary: Sayori and her neighbor are making preparations for their friend's graduation party when he discovers one of her secrets.





	I love you so much

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place in the same timeline as my other works, but it can stand on its own if you don't feel like reading them. Just know that in this timeline, MC did his best to be a good friend and help all the girls rather than trying to romance one of them.

Even though we’ve been hanging out multiple times per week for the past several months, I can’t help but feel a giddy excitement at the sound of the doorbell. Probably making much more noise than I should, I barrel down the stairs to answer the door and greet my best friend.

“Emmy!”

I spring up to hug MC on tiptoes, nearly knocking him off of the front steps.

“H-hey Sayori. You seem to be in a good mood!”

I release him and take a step back, affording us each some degree of personal space.

“I guess I’m just excited!”  _ Because I get to spend time with you...  _ "Y'know, working on this banner together is going to be fun! I haven’t painted in ages. Did you bring the stuff?”

He smiles, holding up a reusable shopping bag stuffed with supplies.

“I brought some snacks too.”

I take on a playful tone and poke his nose.

“They better be good ones. None of those terrible dry cracker things you like so much.”

He sighs animatedly. “ _ Of course _ . I brought you some fruit snacks and chocolate. You  _ child _ .”

“Good boy.” I pat him on the head, unable to stop myself from giggling at his embarrassed reaction. 

“Let’s get to work right away,” I suggest, beckoning him upstairs. I’m playing up my enthusiasm slightly, but they say ‘fake it til you make it,’ don’t they? The way smiling can cause the production of endorphins in your brain even if you’re not actually happy...

_ Or maybe I’m just a deceitful, disingenuous person. _

My less-than-happy thoughts are interrupted when Emon enters my room and gasps, “Wow look at that! It’s actually clean in here, and I didn’t do it!”

“Right? I knew we’d need space to lay the banner flat, so I cleaned up a couple days ago, and kinda… challenged myself to keep it tidy.”

“Th-that’s great! I was going to ask if Masumi cleaned it for you or something."

"No, Masu-nee hasn't visited home in a while. This is my  _ original  _ work of _art_."

His genuine smile makes my insides flutter like glitter, swirling in a snowglobe.

_ How pathetic am I that he’s proud of me for something so trivial? ...No, remember what Dr. Subaru said. Small victories. Baby steps. _

“So did you have any ideas for how it should look?” I ask, helping him spread the cloth out over the floor.

He scratches at the back of his head. “I honestly didn’t think too much about it. I just assumed we would do something similar to the sky-gradient thing we did with the club for the festival a couple terms ago. B-but maybe with, like, a different thematic color pallette or something?”

_ Looks like somebody forgot his homework... _

“But that was Yuri’s idea,” I scold facetiously. “You can’t go  _ plagiarizing _ her when you’re making a banner for  _ her _ surprise party!” 

“Yeah yeah yeah,” Emmy replies, “do  _ you _ have any ideas then?”

“As a matter of fact, I do! But it’s going to take a while so we better get started right away.”

He waits for me to continue, so I oblige. 

“So I was thinking we could start out by painting the entire thing in swirling colors. Maybe like tie dye or, like, Van-Gogh-style paint lines or something. Then, we wait for it to dry completely, and tape up stencils for the words. Once that's done, we can paint the whole thing black, so when we peel off the tape, the letters are full of intricate, bright colors in contrast to the dark background.”

His face is blank for a moment while he tries to visualize it in his head.

“Wow. That does sound really cool. Are we going to have enough black paint though?” He asks, producing a small paint tube.

“Worry not, young one. I picked up a can of spray paint for that part.”

_ It feels good to have planned ahead for once. _

“Sweet,” he says, before a mischievous grin paints his face. “I’ll let you be in charge of spacing out the letters of ‘Happy Graduation Yuri’ and placing the tape for them. Then maybe you’ll have it done by the time she graduates  _ college _ .”

“Ha ha. Very funny. I said we needed to get started right away, didn’t I? Come on, you’re the dorky anime guy- Don’t you believe in the  _ power of friendship?  _ We can get it done if we work together.” 

His ears always turn red when I tease him like this. It’s low-key cute as heck.

* * *

"Aaaaand done!" I announce as I finish the last of the rainbow color swirls. "Now let's leave it for a couple hours."

_ Wow, this actually came out really nice.  _

"Yeah, I'm getting pretty hungry, so we can grab some lunch," he suggests, standing up and stretching his back. "B-but let's open the windows and turn on the fan first. Circulating the air should help."

MC sighs as he slides my window open. 

"Graduation… It's gonna be weird having the club without her. And there's only a year left until it's our turn. I-I can't believe highschool is already more than half over." 

As we exit my room, he continues, "It's kind of scary, isn't it? I don't feel... ready to, like,  _ be a functioning member of society." _

I can tell from his voice that he's not being hyperbolic- this is genuinely troubling him. I gently squeeze his shoulder in an attempt to be reassuring. 

"Hey, you're gonna do great. You're more adaptable than you give yourself credit for. And if you ever need encouragement you can call me anytime."

_ That's right. I can be there for him for a change instead of being such a needy, useless- no. Stop. This is negative self-talk. Remember Dr. S. _

He smiles at me with a look of gratitude, but I can tell he's still anxious about it.

"It's not too late to apply to some schools if you want to spend a few more years as a student, like me."

He grimaces at the idea. 

"I don't know, Sayori, school just really isn't for me. My grades have always been average at best, even when I try my hardest, and the only thing I've ever enjoyed and done well in is shop class. That kind of work is better suited to an apprenticeship than a college degree."

"Well if you're passionate about it, then I'm sure you'll do an excellent job. And nobody's going to expect you to be amazing while you're still an apprentice. I think a lot of the pressure you're feeling about this is self-imposed."

_ Wow, I'm nailing this right now. That sounded so professional. _

"O-okay. I'll try not to stress about it too hard." His voice is still a little bit shaky. "It's a whole year away anyway. What about you? Have you decided on a first-choice school yet?" 

_ Prepare to be impressed, bucko. _

"Yes, actually. There's a really good early-childhood education program at the UPac-Cynosure." I grin back at him. "I don't think I'll be accepted right away since my grades before this year were kinda bad, but I'm planning to do summer classes and put in a year or two at community college so I can transfer over."

MC stares back at me for a moment, speechless. 

"W-wow that's a real solid plan." He smiles. "I'm proud of you."

I feel my cheeks heating up. He notices and takes advantage of the chance to tease me. 

"Are you sure you can handle the responsibility of being a teacher? You'll have to be an adult. You can't go crying whenever one of the kids won't share their juicebox with you."

"Oh, don't worry. I'll  _ make  _ them hand over the juicebox."

Laughing and joking with him as we make lunches together feels like a warm, fluffy kitten rolling around in my chest. I wish I could always feel like this.

* * *

My back is aching terribly and my hands are covered in paint, but we finally finished. Now we're cleaning up the supplies strewn about my bedroom.  _ I wish I put this much effort into taking care of myself. Oh well.  _

We have the banner drying outside where we spray-painted, but I'm pretty sure it's supposed to rain overnight.

"Emmy, we need to find somewhere indoors that it can dry before the rain starts."

_ No way I'm letting all that work go to waste. _

"Hmm… Can you do without your ceiling fan tonight?" he asks, "we could probably tie it between there and your closet."

"That would keep it out of my family's way…" 

_ I don't want to inconvenience them any more than I already have.  _

"Just make sure it's tied up there securely so it doesn't come falling down on me while I'm asleep. Unless you want rainbow face-prints on it."

"Sure," he laughs, "let me look up a knot that will work for this; bunny ears probably won't cut it."

Emmy sits down at my laptop, which is already open to play music, while I drop another load of paint tubes and paper scraps into the bag. Suddenly I feel arms wrap around me in an urgent, tight embrace.

"E-Emmy?? What's going on?" As nice as this hug feels, something is definitely off, and I can't just sit here revelling in the warmth. I reach over my shoulder and tap the top of his head, prompting him to loosen his grip enough for me to turn around and face him. His panic-filled eyes peer back at me, clearly on the verge of tears. 

"W-what happened? Are you okay?"

_ He's still not saying anything. What do I do? Did he get a message about somebody dying? Are his parents okay? What about our friends?  _

As I ponder, absently glancing around the room, my eyes fall upon my computer, which he was just using. I squint to read the screen and the realization hits me like a bucket of cold water. I see the search bar on the homepage of my browser, where he typed "how to tie." I see the automatic suggestion from my search history, filling in "a noose."

_ Crap. _

"I-I… Y-you said you wouldn't l-leave me behind. Th-that you didn't… didn't want to d-"

He breaks off before he can finish that last word.

"Hey… It's alright." I gently rub my hand along his upper back. "That search was from a long time ago. Before I opened up to you, before Yuri and I started going to counseling, before you helped me get closer with everyone…"

He doesn't say anything, so I continue.

"I maybe… downplayed how seriously I had been considering it when we talked that day, but… I really meant it when I promised you that I wasn't going anywhere, okay?"

_ Look at all this trouble I'm putting him through. _

I feel him nod against my shoulder. 

"Did you ever… actually  _ make _ the n-noose?"

I find myself avoiding eye contact with him.

_ Let's not shy away this time. C'mon, me, tell him the truth. _

"I… " I take a deep breath. "I practiced tying one with some paracord I had lying around, but I never planned on using it. I was going to get some thicker rope from the basement to actually… y'know..."

"Can I take the big rope with me? S-so it's not sitting around here?"

_ He wants to take it with him? Does he not trust me? _

"I-I mean… I guess? I'm a lot better now, though. Can't you see that? I still have a ways to go, but… I thought you'd be proud of me for coming this far."

"I  _ am  _ proud of you Sayori!" His voice flares as he takes a step back, looking towards the floor. "You've been doing really well, and I believe you, but even the  _ idea _ of losing you is terrifying! I love you  _ so much _ and I don't know what I'd do without you!" He pauses, reeling his voice back in. "You know how irrational my anxiety can be sometimes."

_ Did I hear that right? He definitely said… _

My heart feels like it's trying to break through my rib cage with a battering ram.

" _ ILoveYouToo! _ "

Springing up on tiptoes and wrapping my arms around his neck, I kiss him on the mouth. After an awkward moment of surprise, he clumsily reciprocates. I can feel the heat radiating off of his face, but with closed eyes, I can't see his shade of red.

As the euphoric wave of emotion begins to recede, I question myself.

_ You idiot, you grew up together. He probably loves you like a sister. _

"I uhh… that  _ is _ ... w-what you meant, right?"

I release my grip on MC as he fiddles with his hands.

"I… think? If I'm being honest, you're the only person I've ever been anywhere near this close with, s-so I don't really have a frame of reference. B-but you make me so happy and I've always thought you're really pretty…"

The flush returns to his face, mirrored by my own, as he continues.

"A part of me wants to try… b-being a couple, to see if these are romantic feelings or something else but… I'm also  _ really _ scared of what might happen to us if it doesn't work out."

Confessing my feelings and knowing where he stands feels like a lead x-ray vest has been lifted from my shoulders.  _ He's willing to try it ith me. _

"I… know what you mean. I'm really really  _ really  _ happy about how you feel, but I don't know if it's the best time for me to start a relationship now. With summer classes, college prep, therapy and everything else…"

I take his hands in mine.

"Could we maybe talk about this again in a year or two, and keep going like usual for now? I-I understand if you don't want to wait, and I won't tell you not to date other people duri-"

"That sounds good," he interrupts. "I'm… okay with waiting. I don't know for sure whether I have romantic feelings for  _ anyone _ , so holding off doesn't bother me at all. Besides, it'll be one less thing for my noodle-head best friend to worry about." He looks back at me with a smug smile.

I grin back playfully, giving him a shove.

"You're so corny! You numpty. Come here!"

I grab his shirt and tug him back to the exact spot he was standing before I pushed him. "Just one more time before we go back to normal."

I pull him into a deep kiss before he can say anything, then whisper in his ear, "I love you, Emmy."

Flustered, he stammers, "I-I... love you too, Sayori."

"I'll let you take the rope if it makes you feel better. IF you fork over those fruit snacks you mentioned earlier."

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Things are getting very heavy in the series I'm working on so I wanted to work on something a little bit lighter. Still has a fair helping of angst but i guess that's just how i am so it's inescapable, even in a supposed fluff fic.


End file.
